


shepard-commander, what is love?

by annalyia



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gift Fic, Tags Are Hard, because i love fluff, but mainly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 07:26:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalyia/pseuds/annalyia
Summary: five times shepard was unsure of love and one time she wasn't





	shepard-commander, what is love?

**Author's Note:**

> for [this lovely person](https://rock-paperback-scissors.tumblr.com/) for the mass effect holiday cheer on tumblr

Eight-year-old Layla Shepard’s eyes shine like the stars she’s watching.  She’s sitting, legs crossed beneath her, on the floor of the port observation room of the Alliance Navy ship her parents are currently stationed on.  More often than not, she finds herself here, this quiet place where she can just observe nature and the galaxy as it is. There is so much out there that fascinates her, so much that she doesn’t know, but can’t wait to.

The door slides open behind her, and she hears two sets of soft footsteps enter.  “We thought we would find you here.” Layla recognizes her mother’s voice. She doesn’t turn around, but instead continues to stare out the window.  A gentle noise of affirmation escapes her lips, which is enough for her parents.

“Are you ready for bed?” her father asks.  “It’s getting pretty late.”

“Not yet,” Layla replies.  Her gaze is still on the stars, the ever-changing constellations and patterns the ship passes.  

Even as her parents join her, sitting on either side of her, she watches the universe.  

“What are you thinking about?” her mom asks.  “You seem pretty focused.”

“The stars are pretty,” she says.  It’s a simple answer, but a true one.  “And there are so many of them. There’s so much out there that we don’t know about, and I love it.”

“You love it?” 

Layla nods emphatically.  “Definitely.”

“And why is that?” her dad presses her further.

Layla chews on her lip as she thinks about an answer.  “Because it’s something that’s really cool and important to me.”

“Is that why you love me and your mom?”

“It’s a different kind of love,” Layla says immediately, sure of her response.

Her mother smiles at that.  It’s a soft and loving expression, her feelings of pride and love towards her daughter evident on her face.  “Yeah?”

Layla nods.  “Yeah. I love you two because you’re my mom and dad and there’s a lot to love.  I love the stars because there’s so much to learn and see and do and that’s what I want.  I want to explore the stars.”

“Even more than you already have?”

Another nod, this one surer than the last.  “Definitely.”

Simultaneously, her parents press their lips to the top of her head.  

“I’m gonna see all of the galaxy one day,” Layla tells them.  With that, she stands, and her parents follow suit. They each grab one of her hands, and the family walks back to their quarters.  

\----------

Kaidan lazily runs a hand through Layla’s hair as she dozes, snuggled against him in her quarters on the  _ Normandy _ .  She’s glad that they can retire at the end of the day like this; it’s nice to just relax in the peace and quiet after a full day of missions.  After a few minutes, Kaidan breaks the serene silence with a question. “Do you think you could ever love me?”

That wakes up Layla quicker than any alarm ever could have.  Even though she knows he feels her tenseness, she tries to remain calm.  “Why do you ask?” She hopes her anxiety and annoyance do not show through her tone.  She enjoys her time spent around Kaidan, even if she isn’t entirely sure where the relationship will go or what will happen.

“Because I think I love you.”

Inwardly, Shepard sighs.  Love has never been an easy concept for her.  Sure, she loves her parents, she loves space, she loves potato chips, but she’s always had trouble with romantic love.  

Before she can reply, however, he continues.  “You don’t have to say it back. I know that this can be difficult for you, but I just wanted to say it.”

That improves her mood, albeit only slightly.  One of the things she likes most about Kaidan is how understanding he can be, even if the situation doesn’t call for it.  Here he is, telling her he loves her, but knowing that she isn’t ready to say it back and being okay with that. 

It’s soft and easy, his love for her.  

It makes her a little uncomfortable.  

She knows that he is comfortable around her at all times, but sometimes there are things about Kaidan that Layla wishes were different.  He wants to settle down, get married, have a family.

Layla just isn’t sure if she can do that.  She’s always known space and travel and  _ doing _ , so simply  _ not _ doing anymore is a strange concept to her.  

Sure, maybe she could if she found the right person, but she isn’t sure how she’ll know.  

But, instead of ruining the day even more, Layla closes her eyes and settles herself against Kaidan again.  “Ask me again later.”

\----------

Miranda was quiet the entire way back to the  _ Normandy _ , and now, even as Layla sits in her office with her, few words have been spoken.  

“Are you  _ sure _ everything is okay, Miranda?” Layla asks again.

This time, Miranda doesn’t nod.  She merely twists her fingers together nervously, eyes trained on the smooth, grayish walls of her quarters.  Eventually, though, her anxious movements cease and she sighs. “I think I made the right decision,” she allows.

“Oriana is better off knowing that she has a sister--and friend--in you,” Layla says.

A corner of Miranda’s mouth tugs up in a quick smile.  “Sister,” she repeats, testing out the word on her tongue.  “To think that I can finally tell others that I have a sister.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No,” Miranda replies quickly, shaking her head.  “It’s a good thing.”

“Good.”  Layla’s smile is genuine. 

“However, I have no idea how to be a sister,” Miranda says, frowning.  

“I don’t think I’m the best person to talk to that about,” Layla quips, reflecting on her own lack of siblings.

“It’s strange from going to knowing that I have a sister and just keeping an eye on her to being a more active role in her life.”

“Well, it’s not like you’re going to be hovering over her shoulder, watching her every move, right?  You’re just going to be there when she needs you.” Layla mulls over the books she read and vids she watched as a child, thinking about the sibling relationships they portrayed.  “If you were younger, I’d suggest that you chase each other around and read books together and play games.”

Miranda lets out a snort.  “I don’t think Oriana or I would have ever been caught doing anything like that.  Which is a bit of a shame,” she says, her tone lowering with the last part. “But since we’re older, maybe there’s something a little less...energetic we can do.”

Layla shrugs.  “Like I said, I’m probably not the best person to talk to about this.  I think Garrus has a sister.”

“Should I tell her I love her?” Miranda asks, completely ignoring Layla’s efforts to end the conversation.  

Layla freezes at that.  How would she know? “Uh, maybe?”

Miranda continues, speaking out loud more to herself than her audience.  “Because, well, I think that I do. She’s my sister, we’re identical, and I’ve learned to love myself, so shouldn’t I, by extension, love her as well?  Everything I’ve seen or heard has said that siblings are supposed to love each other, especially sisters. Or would it be too weird for me to spring that on her?”  

Layla only half listens to Miranda’s questions, instead letting her friend figure out her answers for herself.  Even now, love is still not something that she’s completely sure how to express or even know that she feels. She does agree with Miranda about how siblings are normally  _ supposed _ to love each other, but she also knows that isn’t always the case.  However, she feels like Miranda maybe shouldn’t express those feelings just yet, if even just to give both of them time to adjust to the situation.  So, she explains her thought process to Miranda.

After a few moments of processing and digesting Layla’s advice, Miranda nods.  “You make a good point.”

“I try.”

“You’re a good friend, Shepard,” Miranda says.  

A real smile grows on Layla Shepard’s face at that.  “Thanks, Miranda. You too.”

\----------

Layla ponders the last conversation she and Thane had as she stows her gear.  It was on her mind the entire mission, but thankfully she’s a good enough soldier that it didn’t hinder her efforts.  

_ Siha _ .

What a word.

He still hasn’t told her what it means, and, even though she’s thought about it plenty and has a few ideas, she wants to _ know _ and be sure.

So, after ensuring that her armor and weapons are properly stored in her locker, she makes her way to the life support room.  She takes a deep breath before stepping forward and allowing the door to smoothly slide open.

Thane turns his head in her direction as she enters the room.  “It’s good to see you again,” he says and she sits down across from him.  “How was your mission earlier?”

“It could have gone much worse,” she says.  They had been sent by The Illusive Man to recover some supplies, but, as always with Cerberus (and most other things), things did not go as smoothly as planned, and they weren’t able to collect as much as they had hoped.  

“Is there something you needed?” Thane asks, pulling Layla back to him and back to reality and back to the matter at hand.

Layla bites her lip.  She knows that she should have no trouble speaking her mind to Thane; they’ve grown rather close since he joined their team, but she’s still cautious around other people and opening up to them.  “You said you were married before?”

Thane purses his lips at her question.  “Yes,” he answers. Short, sweet, and to the point.

There’s an awkward silence as neither party speaks, waiting for the other to say something, not sure how to continue.  

“She was an amazing woman,” Thane eventually says.  “I did not think I would meet another like her.”

That comment hangs in the air between them, making the room feel smaller.  

“It’s a big galaxy,” Layla says, shoving down her jealousy.  Thane’s wife is dead, but, at the same time, who is Layla to think she could replace her?    

“Yes, it is,” Thane replies, meeting her eyes, something soft in his expression.  “And I am glad that I did.”

\----------

Kolyat folds his hands in front of him, resting them on the table that he and Layla are presently sitting at.  They’re at one of the restaurants in the Presidium, relaxing at one of the outdoor tables as they wait for their waiter to bring them their food.

“So, you and my dad,” he says, not exactly a question, but not exactly a statement either.  “I’m not sure if I should be surprised or not.”

Layla raises as eyebrow.  “Why is that?”

Kolyat sighs, obviously thinking over his answer.  “I guess I never expected him to love again,” he says.  “It has nothing to do with you. You’ve proven time and time again that you’re amazing woman that definitely deserves my father’s attention, but after what happened to my mother and his diagnosis, I thought he had resigned himself to death.”

Love. 

Layla finds herself caught on that word.  She’s mostly used to it when Thane expressions how he feels to her, but to hear it from an outside party?

“But you make him happy, and that’s what matters,” Kolyat says, finishing his train of thought (although, Layla was too caught up in her own thoughts to hear the middle part).  

“You think so?” she asks.  Once, again, she’s used to this sentiment coming from Thane, but the fact that someone else has noticed surprises her.

Well, maybe  _ surprise _ is not the best word to use in this situation, but she can’t really find another word to describe it.  

“Yeah.”

At that moment, their food arrives, and they take a break from their already strained conversation to eat.

Layla stares out over the Presidium, watching the hover cars pass.  

_ He makes me happy, too _ .

Layla can feel the words on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to be said.  

They’re true words, ones that she feels strongly and is completely sure about.  

But, for some reason, she can’t bring herself to say them.  No matter how true they are, there’s something stopping her from telling Kolyat that she cares for his father the same way that he cares for her.  

And that frustrates her.

\----------

“Shepard-Commander, what is love?”

Legion’s question startles Layla out of her almost nap.  “I’m sorry, what?” 

Legion and EDI are sitting on either side of Shepard on the couch by the fireplace in her apartment.  She’s not entirely sure when they decided to join her, but now she knows she can’t avoid them, especially after Legion poses a question like that.

“Legion and I were wondering if you could explain the human emotion of love to us a little better,” EDI explains.  

“Well, EDI, don’t you think you could do that without my help by this point?  What with your relationship with Joker and everything?”

EDI shakes her head.  “I have done the best that I can, Shepard,” she says.  “While I am an artificial intelligence and have the ability to learn and adapt, I still am not an organic being and am limited by my programming.  I can explain what the extranet says about love, and how I feel about Jeff, but it is not sufficient. You have your entire life experience with multiple types of love that we do not have access to.”

Layla purses her lips, but she understands EDI’s point.  After a few moments of pondering, she turns to Legion. “Well, what kind of love do you mean?”

Legion raises its brow plates momentarily, processing her question.  “Unclear.”

“There are multiple types of love,” Layla says.  “I love my parents, but that’s a different kind of love than I feel for my favorite vid or food.”

“I think Legion wishes to know about the kind of love between organics,” EDI clarifies.  “It asked me the nature of my relationship with Jeff, and the conversation expanded from there.  We concluded that the best answer would be found by coming to you.”

Layla nods.  “Okay, but why me?  Isn’t there someone else better to talk to?”

“No,” Legion says.  “It was concluded that you were best.”

“Why?”

Legion’s brow plates raise and lower a few more times.  It doesn’t answer.

“Sorry,” Layla says.  “Love is complicated.”  She picks her brain for the best way to explain love to Legion and EDI that they can understand.  

But then there’s a crash in the kitchen that draws their attention.  None of them stand because Thane and Garrus are the ones who caused the crash (and everyone knows that they’re mostly capable enough to take care of it).  

“We’re okay,” Garrus calls, loud enough that everyone in the apartment can hear.  

Thane is holding a cracked glass bowl, looking as sheepish as possible for a drell assassin.  

Layla smiles, a gentle, soft expression as she sees the man she loves try and apologize.  “But, at the same time, love is easy. Or, at least, it should be.”

“Easy?”

“Yeah,” Layla continues, confidence in her words growing.  “If it’s the right person, it should be easy. Sure, you’re not always going to get along and you’ll butt heads every once in a while, but you should be comfortable.  You should be able to talk to each other and at the least reach an understanding.” She chuckles as Thane drops the bowl again, this time causing it to shatter completely, littering the floor with debris.  “Don’t worry about it, love,” she tells him. “Bowls are replaceable.” Layla turns to continue her spiel with Legion and EDI when she realizes that they, and Garrus, are staring at her. “What?”

“You called Thane love,” EDI says.  

A blush very quickly works its way up Layla’s face.  “And?”

“You equate Thane with love,” Legion says.

At first, Layla feels defensive towards Legion’s statement.  Who is a robot that doesn’t even understand love to say that?  

But she knows it’s true.  

Everything she said earlier, the ease, the comfort, she feels that with Thane.  

And she’s okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you like it!! :)


End file.
